Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
