Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
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