HOW IN THE HELL DID YOU BLOW A .24?????
We were watching I'm a celebrity get me out of here and taking shots every time heidi said HALLELUJAH, and started spraying her hair with that stupid dry shampoo shit....and we only watched the last half hour.
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
No more going to class sober.. Tried it for a day or two, its just not for me
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
