Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
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