Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Randomize
