i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
Randomize
