upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
i just googled "who won the civil war" . how can i still have a 97% in this class?
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
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