I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
Randomize
