careful when you do the walk of shame, they are handing out bibles on campus
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
Is it possible for Craig Seger to wear a normal suit and not look like an asshole on national tv?
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
