remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
I had to cum in my sink.
Randomize
