i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
I’ve slept with a Senior, a Freshman and a Junior so far. I’m a Sophomore away from hitting for the cycle
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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