I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Randomize
