I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
