I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
aw he's cute...not in a i wanna rip his clothes off way more of a put him in my pocket and keep him as a pet
And occasionally lick whipped cream off them abs
Exactly.
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Randomize
