Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
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