I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
Randomize
