dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
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