Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
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