there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
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