look no pants
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
Randomize
