I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
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