Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Randomize
