Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
So much Jack, so little girl.
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Randomize