ad ew i am wasted whats my problem
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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