I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
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