I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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