There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
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