problem. drunk. stepbrother hitting on me again. help.
Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Randomize
