In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Randomize
