I just pynch a tree in the face
The Worst (noun)- 1. Getting up at 6am after a night of drinking. 2. Wearing a Peter Rabbit costume.
I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
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