I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
Randomize
