Yeah I guess I was Pocahontus. If she were a trifling drunk who hung out in her undies, with possible brain damage.
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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