the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
Randomize
