my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
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