Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
