i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
Randomize
