If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
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