When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
Randomize
