I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
