The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
If it makes you feel better, you're better at taking it in than ass than she is...
Well...yeah actually, that does make me feel better
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
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