I never want to see another naked old woman again.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
