Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
Randomize
