I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
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