I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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