Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
Randomize
