You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
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