her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
I wish there was some sort of "recently added" function for blackberrys so i could see what random numbers i got from the night before
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Randomize
