My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
Randomize
