Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
oral is when you put your mouth on someones privates and play moterboat or popsicle
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
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