He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
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