dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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