Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
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