'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
Randomize
