Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
Randomize
