Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
