It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
laying naked on couch sucking water through straw. i can still feel the orgasm from last night. thank you mdma.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
And you hate the library
Yea but I love drugs and my grades
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Randomize
